Life is hard.

This is one of those blogs that people probably get uncomfortable reading, like one of those instances you think, "should that person have put all of that out in the open?" I'm not normally one to expel all of my thoughts, but I feel like my heart weighs 9,000 pounds lately.

This is one of those blogs you write just to get it all out of your system and then should probably delete, but I think I'll publish it BECAUSE I've often been inspired by other peoples stories and things going on, and hopefully I can inspire someone. Inspire someone? That sounds so lame to say, but if I'm being honest, I hope I can.

This is one of those blogs where you sit at the computer screen and your eyes are puffy, your nose is red, and you feel like you're constantly on the verge of tears, and aren't even entirely sure why...or what is triggering such strong emotions, like you're crying and you come to the realization that you're actually just confused about why you're crying, but then remember there's a lot of reasons you're sad, you're just not sure which of those sad things is making you cry. Does anyone else ever feel like that?

Who knows, maybe I can write this all off as PMS... If only.

I have seven brothers. I have three sisters, but I've only been able to meet two of them, I'm excited to meet the third someday in Heaven. I believe in Heaven. Having a huge family is AMAZING for so many reasons. To name a few, I have siblings ALL over the U.S., one in Asia, and my sister in the Caribbean, obviously. That's a lot of places to visit, that's that many more people to root you on and support you, that's that much more energy around the Holiday season when everyone gets together and laughs about retelling stories of what's been happening since the last time we were all together, or about memories we have.

Lately all I can think about is the fact that having that many siblings can also mean that much more can go wrong, and its that many people you worry about, lose sleep over, pray for, cry for, want to do anything for.

I'm trying to decide where I'm going with this, or decipher the real reason I felt SO strongly I needed to stay up and write instead of getting some sleep.

Did you know that I'm Mormon? I bet a lot of people didn't, and there's a reason why. I used to be embarrassed to tell people. Embarrassed is a really strong word, but I was. Do I hate my church? Absolutely not. Am I ashamed of what I believe in? Absolutely not. Does it petrify me to see peoples faces change once they hear I'm Mormon? Yes. Do I get incredibly sick of hearing people accuse my church of the same rumors I've heard time and time again? Yes. Do I get sick of defending that all my church is is a Christian church with good hearted people who love Christ and want to show that love? YES. Do I think its easier to just skip past that part of my life and not even go through the hassle of people viewing me differently? Yep. BUT I AM SO OVER BEING EMBARRASSED

My mom used to try and talk to ANYONE about my church. People at the grocery store, maintenance people, bums on the street, my friends and their parents, and it would drive me insane. I was so, once again, embarrassed.

Know what I realized? Anyone who views me differently for being a Mormon isn't my friend, and they don't know me. The ONLY persons opinion of me that actually matters is God's, so why...why am I embarrassed of him? Instead of being embarrassed for people who judge? What is wrong with me? That is so incredibly backwards.

I'm not one to push religion on anyone, as a matter of fact I get nervous to ask people to church not because I don't think they'll like it, but because I don't want their reason to come to church be because they think it will make ME happy, or that I WANT them to. I don't care what you believe in, who your God is, what you pray to, whether or not you can quote the Bible, because ultimately, I just care if you're an ACTUAL good person.

Is this me saying I'm an actual good person? I'm trying...every day, but it is SO hard, because life is SO hard.

I live on a rock in the middle of the ocean. I'm here to give all of my time, all of my energy, all of my love into helping my sister, Carina. Because her husband can't be here because he has to sacrifice their time together in order to work to ensure she can even stay on the island. I'm here to help watch my sweet sweet nieces. I'm here to hug my sister as she cries on my shoulder because she just found out her oldest daughter has a disease that will carry on throughout the entirety of her life, and needs to be closely managed. I'm here to feel helpless as I strive to clean and cook and watch the baby just to try and help her as much as possible, and to cringe at the sight of soiled kleenexes on her bed as I make it because I know she was crying the night before because she so badly misses her family, and mourns for her daughter.

So why do we do it? Why is Casey working three jobs thousands of miles away? Why is Andi being brave and coming back to the island with this newfound diagnosis even though she KNOWS the health care is better in the States and coming here is risky? Why do I put off my own life to be here for two years for my sister?

We do it because we love her. It's our job, as her family, to ENSURE that she succeeds, and ENSURE that one day she's a doctor, because that is part of who she is and what she needs to do. Is that all of her? No. Is it the most important part of her? Not even close. First she's a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend. We do this because we know what she can do, even if she doesn't, and sometimes you can't do it on your own. Because when she starts to self doubt and say she wants to quit, just move back to MN and return to her easy life where she's with her whole family, we have to be there for her to remind her of her goal, and the fact that nobody ever complains about the sacrifices we make for her because we all know her sacrifices are bigger than ours. Do I think it was easy for her to let Andi fly to MN from the island by herself to find out whether or not she had cancer, or what was going on with her? No it wasn't, I know for a fact because when she got back from dropping her off at the airpot she was more emotional than I've ever seen another human being. She's just trying to go on faith and believe with the bit of strength she has left that if she sticks it out and does what she was meant to do, this will all pay off, and she will SAVE LIVES and this bittersweet journey will ultimately be nothing short of just sweet.


So how does this all tie together? Why am I ranting about God, and family, and my dear older sister? I guess because they're the only things on my mind lately, and also, they're the only things in my life that matter. God. Family. They're constant. Do I get new members added into my family? You bet I do. With that many siblings and in laws it seems someone is pregnant or having a baby constantly, which reminds me, Congrats, Lauren! Sorry...this blog needed a comic relief before I started to choke on my own tears. You guys, laugh. It's okay.

Life is hard. Impossible. It doesn't make sense people go through what they go through and are still okay. It doesn't make sense that my parents are the most optimistic people I know and they've buried their daughter, put their son in a psych ward, changed the diapers of their severely handicapped 17 year old son who will never walk and never talk. Who signed them up for that?

God does not give us more than we can handle...so my grandparents, parents, my brothers, my sisters, my nieces, my nephews must be SO strong.

Love your family. Give thanks to whatever it is that you believe in. Find out what you're supposed to do in life and DO IT. It's okay to be scared, sometimes weak, but don't turn your back on it like a coward. I'm done being a coward and I'm done being embarrassed about my faith and who I am. Because I've encountered things I wouldn't have made it through without strength from God and chances are I'll continue to encounter those things and I know sometimes I just need to crawl into a ball and cry hysterically and pray for things to get better, and things to get easier, and if they don't get easier--then please, please make me stronger.

Life is hard, but life is GOOD. I laugh so much. I live on such a beautiful island. I have seven brothers. I have three sisters, but I've only met two, I'm excited to meet the third one in Heaven. I believe in Heaven. I get to help raise the most fantastic two year old ever made, who's so curious and so marvelous that she actually teaches ME every day. I have a mom I called ten times today to ask about my sick grandpa, and my mentally ill brother, and how she's holding up with all of these burdens and instead of being annoyed of all my calls she says, "no, i'm glad you keep calling, I love to hear your voice." I have a dad who stays up until 4am doing church service projects because he knows the things he's doing there are more important than anything else, who in the midst of a psycho busy life finds time to call me and ask about my tonsils, or how the dog sitting is going. How did I get so lucky?

This blog is so unlike me that I feel uncomfortable even writing parts of it, and am so nervous to publish it. Sorry if my "preaching" causes you to roll your eyes, or make you think I'm dumb for acting like I've got it all down and I'm just an ignorant 21 year old in la la land. It seems that I'm just down in the dumps lately and the only place for me to go is up, those are the times I of course reflect on what's most important...and what is most important to remember is that life is good, even though it's hard.